© photo credit: wildxplorer

After watching Charlie Gilkey’s video blog on two reasons why structure gives people the hives, I gave it much thought. Structure has a history of giving me the hives and my last attempt at instituting such a thing (the structure, not the hives) failed miserably. And I think this is why…

Twitter version: Irrational fear of Rules & Structure requires reframing. Structure = Support Systems. Yay. I can do that.

Tales of a high-strung kid.

As a kid I was the one who would always follow rules. If there were none, I’d make them up. I held myself to such a high standard that even the slightest slip-up would make me break down into a fit of tears.

Since my parents were disappointed when I didn’t perform perfectly & measure up, I was furious and beat myself up for failing so miserably if I got anything less than perfect. More is better, right?

So fast-forward to college…

Still very much forming my own identity, yet still very much my parent’s daughter, but no one was breathing down my neck for the first time, ever. No one cared if I went to class, no one was particularly bothered about my grades, and my parents really didn’t have to know if I didn’t do too well on an assignment, although final grades were a point of contention at times.

By the end of college, I learned to deal with less-than-perfect and even abject failure, and I’m still breathing. But I learned a valuable lesson: I should never try to take on serious thinky-classes at 8am, especially computer programming.

Yes all this does have a point.

Rules. Structure. No sir, I don’t like it.

I loved them as a kid and now I don’t.

My years working for other people showed me how against my nature it is to pursue someone else’s goals.

Working for a company made me anonymous, stifled, and shoved me into a box that someone else made. My autonomy was stripped, I was told what to do and when and how long and tethered to a desk even though I was done with my work and then expected to go ask for more work. (I know not everyone feels this way about their jobs.)

So I quit being an employee.

My days are mine to do what I wish. No one to answer to, but the bill collectors.

However, things aren’t exactly going the way I thought they would…

I know my years working in the corporate world really soured me on structure. Other-imposed structure is a bitch.

I  know in my head that if I impose structure on my days, I’m not relinquishing my autonomy. But the teenager in me says “Yeah, right” while rolling her eyes.

I know that if I work at finding the right system for me, for how I work, that allows for my need to learn, do, create, think, read, and all the other stuff that fulfills me, I won’t be removing any ounce of my autonomy. Instead of flitting from one thing to the next as my whims take me (or not), I’ll actually get things done.

But there’s a monster in my head that makes me run away screaming from structure because I don’t want to lose myself in the structure.

Yep. Scared of losing myself.

© photo credit: x-ray delta one

This is a recurring theme and the reason why I will probably never work for anyone else again.

I’ve worked hard on extricating my self from the mounds of expectations and ideals and perfectionisms and all that stuff that I’m really wary of stepping back into structure. It’s a smidgen irrational, but fears usually are.

Now I’ve identified my fear, and I realize that in order for me to fully realize who I am and what I can do, I need to find some kind of system, however it looks, to support me. It won’t stifle me and won’t make me a mindless automaton because really, I don’t think anything can actually do that short of mind-zapping aliens…

A bit of reframing…

Rules: Eh. I can take ‘em or leave ‘em.

Structure: Sorta warming up to that word but not quite.

Support Systems: Most definitely. I like support. I know I need it. So this is what I’m going to call the structure in place that helps me do the stuff that I want to do.

I think this will work. Support systems instead of structure or rules or methods or anything else that sounds too much like giving up my self.

I know I’m not the only one who bristles at rules and structure. If you’re one of them, how do you deal? How do you handle the necessity for some sort of system with your independence/individuality/autonomy?

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Post tags: aliens, fears, hives, monsters, rules, structure, systems

I’m here.

And I haven’t written a word in weeks (tweets don’t really count…).

With my mom-in-law passing away and all that comes with it (and things I never thought would come with it), the brain’s been working at less-than-optimal.

But through all this, it’s been super-clear that my friends, both on and offline, are absolutely amazing people.

To those 5 gals who don’t read my blog but are my very good friends, thanks for the 5-hour breakfast this week.

To my friends who are sort of online and may possibly come across this post, thank you for being there, checking in and holding hope when we couldn’t.

And to my twitter friends, thanks for your sympathy and outpouring of love. I’d list you all, but I think I’d be here ’till tomorrow afternoon. You know who you are. I’d hug you if I could.

Thanks especially to @CatherineCaine & @caffeinatedelf for listening to me this week and bringing some life back into me.

And of course I can’t forget my sister who makes me laugh every single time she calls. We turn into giggly 10 and 12 year olds when we talk. We’re even worse when we’re together. Can’t wait to see her soon.

I’m so grateful for all of you.

Thanks.
photo credit: UvaFragola

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My singing voice is very much alto. I’m comfortable there. It’s easy and it sounds good.

The song he wanted me to sing was in a key that hits the top of my range. There’s one note I have to reach waaay up to the tippy top of my voice to sing, where I’m SO not comfortable (technically, my head voice).

He tried to make the song easier for me by changing the key so it would fit my range. Finally after six key changes he said “Forget it, you’re singing it in C. If I move it anywhere else, no one will be able to sing along.”

My heart sank. I cried because it was hard. I could do it but I was stretching myself vocally more than I had in a long time.

I was scared.

Practice on Saturday was rough. I got through the song and reached all the notes, although a little weak and warbly.

Sunday practice right before the service was a disaster. My voice cracked all over the place and when I tried to hit that high note, nothing came out. I was banned from coffee (which dehydrates you — not good for the vocal cords), ordered to drink tons of water and some nasty-ass Throat Coat tea, and not to sing harmony at all until I sang that one song.

All the band members came to me and told me I’d do fine, that I did it in practice the day before, that they knew I could do it. My husband hugged me and said he believed in me.

I cried from the stress of needing to get it right. I cried because it was hard and scary and I was about to completely screw up a beautiful song in front of the entire church.

I did it anyway.

I got up on stage with my bass in the back right corner right next to the drums. You really can’t see me on stage unless you’re sitting on the far right (that’s stage right).

I had two bottles of water on top of my bass amp, one half-full. The set started and I warmed up my voice by humming along instead of singing harmonies. Took sips of water when my hands were free.

Then the song came up. The one. I hit those notes humming during the intro to test out my voice. I took a deep breath and breathed in the energy of the people in front of me, the confidence I didn’t have from wherever I could find it and I opened my mouth to sing the first note.

It worked. I sang. I hit every note. I did it. And it felt good.

The moral of this story is:

Set yourself up for success.

I didn’t.

I had been drinking coffee like I normally do every morning and dried out my vocal cords on Sunday. That’s a recipe for disastrous singing. Strike 1.

I also didn’t warm up that much before I got to practice on Sunday. Because I still feel like a dork doing those vocal warm-up exercises. Strike 2.

And I was nervous as hell because I didn’t believe I could hit those notes. Strike 3.

Because success feels good.

When you break through the scary and do something amazing, it feels way better than cowering in a corner, never doing anything…

♥ ♥ ♥

Take care of yourself.

If you’re doing something that’s scary (and if you’re not, why not?) be good to yourself. When I did the things I should have done to begin with, I did the scary and did it well.

Sleep well. Drink lots of water. Eat well. Get yourself moving. Surround yourself with cheerleaders and people who believe in you.

And believe that you already have everything you need to do that scary thing. Because you do.

Have you done anything scary lately? Something that’s stretched you outside your comfort zone? How’d you do it?

♥ ♥ ♥

p.s. One thing I neglected to mention is that I’m technically half-deaf. I was born with a 50% hearing loss in both ears (funny how they call it a loss when you were born without it) because of underdeveloped nerves in my head. You wouldn’t know it unless I told you. So I’m telling you.

p.p.s. Here’s the song I sang. The lyrics were altered to “thank you for loving me, thank you for hearing me, thank you for finding me, thank you for healing me, thank you for saving me” by David Crowder. Originally by Sinéad O’Connor.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mj_xKA5C2vU

photo credit: JanPeder Flood http://www.sxc.hu/profile/janpeder

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He broke it down into 4 areas:

• Who I’m with
• Where I am
• What I have
• What I’m doing

He then asked himself what makes him happy.

Since all of those things make him happy to some extent, he rephrased the question: “What makes me happy for the longest time?”

And he came up with his order:

1. Where I am : He’s thinking of MOVING! *gasp*
2. Who I’m with
3. What I’m doing
4. What I have

Then he thought about what life looks like now and where he’s spending the most energy & time.

It’s the last item on his list. The thing that makes him happy for the shortest amount of time.

And it got him asking more questions:

• Why do I spend the most time on the thing that doesn’t last?
• How can I start living in a way that reflects the order of conditions?
• What do I need to do/change/be?

My husband is change-averse. This is what really threw me for a loop.

He got me thinking. My list looks like this:

1. What I’m doing: I get bored easily. Must be able to do new & different things as I see fit.
2. Who I’m with: I treasure awesome people. Get out of the house. Talk to people more.
3. Where I am: Keep office & studio clean. Possibly move closer to cultural center.
4. What I have: Toys are always fun. Save for good stuff. Just don’t spend all your time lusting/buying.

So how about you? How do you order these happiness conditions? And what do you need to do or change to bring more of what makes you happiest into your life?

Photo Credit: Christa Richert http://www.sxc.hu/profile/Ayla87

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Post tags: change, happiness

I’ve been doing a mix of Morning Pages and LaVonne’s 2500 words/day challenge (#2500wds on Twitter) the past week. And frankly, I’m freaking myself out.

Things that have been plaguing me since I’ve been able to think abstractly are coming clear and how to un-stick myself from these old beliefs is pouring out of me.

And it’s scary. Really. I mean, it’s a good scary. If scary can be good. I guess you can call it more freaky than scary…

I didn’t realize that 2500 words in 45 minutes is some kind of feat (I timed myself, and several of my twitter friends seem to be in awe)… But to know that what pours out is my prescription?  To read my words and realize how much I’ve been holding myself back? To know that all I have to do is remember who I am?

Freaky.

In my daily writings, I’ve written two words more often than any others.

Repetition and Remember.

I must remember who I am. And I must keep repeating this to myself so I don’t forget.

If I can get the hubster to suspend his distaste for tattoos for one minute, I may just get one.

“Remember” tattooed across the inside of my wrist.

Maybe.

P.S. Did I mention I’m chickenshit?

Photo Credit: Christa Sawyer: http://www.sxc.hu/profile/clsawyer

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Post tags: 2500 words, remember, repetition, Writing

Me? I did my Morning Pages four out of five days this week. Pretty good for a start!

And I attribute the fact that I’m 75% done with a new freebie for my WPChick.com subscribers to these Morning Pages. I should be done this weekend & I’ll release it next week to my list.

LaVonne Ellis of The Complete Flake also issued a similar challenge to write 2500 words/day and even started up a hash tag for Twitter. Warning: her post truly is 2500 words long. Just read the first & last paragraphs & the comments to get the gist of it.
—

Quick update on my Couch-to-5K journey: I’m done. Can’t go further. Doctors (both GP & Chiropractor) have told me to quit jogging because it’s too much of a strain on the joints.

And boy do I FEEL it. I have been in agony all week with serious stabby knee pain. Aparently I have patellofemoral pain from my one week of “too much, too soon” C25K.

So I’m icing my knees, stretching gently and taking mounds of ibuprofen gelcaps (don’t worry, I’m not OD’ing).

Doc recommended a podiatrist and physical therapy but since my insurance has a $3k deductible and I don’t really have that much to spend on rehab & orthotics, I’m going to bug the snot out of my neuromuscular therapist friend and get fitted for a good pair of stabilizing walking shoes from the Big Peach Running Company.

After I’m all healed up or at least can walk down the stairs without stabby pain, I’ll start walking.

Fun! I guess I was a little too enthusiastic about the mind-body connection to remember the limitations of truly going from couch to 5k… And I realized that the mind-body connection goes both ways. Body feels good = brains work better.

Body feels like shite = brains don’t work for shite, energy levels crash and nothing works.

So, take care of yourself. Please.

And Couch-to-5K doesn’t really mean you can jump off the couch and start the training program, despite what they say.

So, anything new in you-land?

*notes for comments: Not looking for sympathy for my knees. It was stupid and as an ex-martial artist I should know better. Hubs gets me sorbet and chocolate so I’m good on the sympathy front.

photo credit: Ulrik De Wachter http://www.sxc.hu/profile/Ulrik

© Alexia for Alexia Petrakos, 2010. | Permalink | 3 comments | Leave a comment here → | Add to del.icio.us
Post tags: fitness, julia cameron, morning pages, pain

And I’ve been feeling a bit foggy (part of that is the thyroid crud I deal with…) and slow. I know something’s up because I used to write in my Idea Book at least once a week and spent an hour pouring out all the ideas I had collected during the week. I haven’t touched it in months.

So I finally decided it’s time to get moving again for the sake of my brain and my business as well as my own health.

Today I started the Couch-to-5k program using probably the best-designed C25k app I’ve seen. I used an “on the go” playlist and headed out the door.

I made it without puking (although I felt like it once), and I did 5 of the 8 running intervals and did the entire 30 minutes without stopping once. My hands are swollen and my face is still burning. But I count it a success. Wednesday I’ll see if I can make it all the way through.

I hesitated announcing this to the world because usually I give up on something like this after the first week. But I’m hoping the accountability thing will kick my arse enough to get me out there 3x a week.

…and the very last song on the playlist at the end of the first day? “Be Still My Beating Heart” by Sting.

It’s not healthy to run at this pace. Blood runs so red to my face

Yeah….

Photo by Ariel da Silva Parreira – http://www.sxc.hu/profile/arinas74

© Alexia for Alexia Petrakos, 2010. | Permalink | One comment | Leave a comment here → | Add to del.icio.us
Post tags: c25k, health, jogging

The Beginning.

It kind of started when Crystal of Big Bright Bulb brought up the “If you’re so smart, why aren’t you rich” question. Someone had asked her that question and she, and rightly so, got rather annoyed.

Which led me to think about focus (sneaky thing), intelligence, skills, strengths, happiness, competence… which led me to dig up my DISC profile I took after reading 48 Days to the Work You Love (I’m a “Communicator” by the way) and sharing it with the ever-helpful Yolanda who urged me to pick up Now Discover Your Strengths.

And Jen, the Comfort Queen, surprised me with this synchronicitous post on Strengths yesterday morning, so I took it as a sign I needed to explore this a bit more. And I thank Sting for teaching me the meaning of Synchronicity.

Indulging my personality test addiction.

I took the StrengthsFinder test with the code in the book I bought this week & discovered them (adaptability, strategic, ideation, intellection & input). All of that means I’m a strategic thinker who can’t really follow through on the strategy because she gets bored easily, loves coming up with new ideas, tends to the intellectual/introspective and can move quickly from one thing to another.

Confession: I also bought the StrengthsFinder 2.0 Kindle version just so I could get the code for the latest version of the StrengthsFinder inventory. Yes, I got the same results, but it also offered 10 suggestions to improve on each of your strengths.

I’m also thinking of buying the updated version of 48 days…

Did I mention I’m kind of a self-discovery/development nut? I think it comes with the Psychology degree.

So where am I with this now?

Still slogging through, but I think all these profiles and reflection are helping me see what I’ve done and what I’m doing more clearly. I see those strengths and qualities within me, and I’m getting a bit jazzed (thanks, Jen) by the prospect of  improving my strengths instead of my weaknesses (organization, follow-through, patience, focus (!), persistence). I truly don’t need another excuse to dwell on why I suck…

This is also helping me refine my offerings at Thrive Creative Coaching, and going a long way to figuring out how I’m going to structure my biz.

A Positive Psychology Primer

(note: if psychology makes you want to gouge your eyes out, I promise it won’t be long, or you can just skip this section…)

I have a BA in Psychology as I mentioned before and this is part of what drives my need to figure myself and others out. Since I graduated, positive psychology has gained more influence, and I’ve been reading a lot of books on it. I’ve mainly focused on Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi’s work on creativity. And please don’t ask me to pronounce his last name.

It’s not a new branch of psychology. I guess you could say that Positive Psychology began way back with Plato’s and Aristotle’s inquiry into what makes up a good life. It also incorporates the work of more recent humanist psychologists like Maslow (heirarchy of needs & self-actualization), others who focused on self-efficacy and giftedness and has been championed by Dr. Martin Seligman.

The Discover Your Strengths book and Gallup’s work on the StrengthsFinder profile are just a couple of results from Positive Psychology. There’s even a Positive Psychology iPhone App called “Live Happy” that gives exercises and techniques to help you live a happier life.

If you really want to read more, here’s UPenn’s website for Positive Psychology and Dr. Seligman’s Authentic Happiness site and a list of Positive Psychology readings & videos.

(now back to the stuff…)

So, this is what I have so far:

Work on improving what I’m no good at = torture, misery, reduces self-esteem and confidence through repeated failure, no motivation to push through the suck

Work on improving what I’m good at = fun, exciting, increases self-esteem and confidence through successes, motivation to push through the suck

And because I’ve been reading/listening to folks like Lee & Johnny on their Question the Rules product* and Mark Silver about heart-based goal setting….

Why I’m not rich yet, although I’ve been told I’m smart: I tend to dwell on my weaknesses and ignore my strengths, so I stay in a place where I’m not using my strengths. What I really want isn’t money, but a lifestyle & feeling, and that’s closer than I think.

I’ll do some more thinking and a bit more writing on all of this, but I’m liking this direction.

So, what do you think?

Leave comments below please.

*Yes, it’s an affiliate link… the amazon links aren’t, however. I have no problem with you paying them directly, but why not help out more than one person in one go?

photo credit: tibchris

© Alexia for Alexia Petrakos, 2010. | Permalink | 9 comments | Leave a comment here → | Add to del.icio.us
Post tags: Don Miller, happiness, Marcus Buckingham, melancholic, self-development, self-discovery, strengths, temperament, tom rath

Even if it’s not worth all that much, it still better be done perfectly or else the world’s going to come crashing down around your ears, the oceans will dry up with floppy fish gasping and dying, and forests will spontaneously combust, leaving the world without oxygen and everyone will die horrible, burny, chokey deaths.

If that doesn’t make you want to crawl under the covers and never do a thing again, I don’t know what will…

If you met me today, you wouldn’t think I’m that much of a perfectionist at all. Age and marriage and lots of other things have mellowed me out.

But 20 years ago, I was a high-strung teenager who couldn’t fathom getting anything less than an A on her school work and if she did, the world would end. And since she’s (still) the kind of person who wears all emotions on her sleeve, she’d act as if the world were coming to an end.

Hysterics and all.

I have since stuffed that perfectionist self away in a closet and only let her out when I know I need her (like editing posts and cleaning house), but she’s still there and sometimes picks the lock to come out and wreak paralyzing havoc on my brain when I’m sick, stressed or really tired.

The reason I have been able to mostly put away my inner perfectionist is because I realized she was why I never finished anything. She didn’t want me to experience any failure because it would cause untold catastrophe. So she made it so unbearable to finish or even start anything.

She wanted to save me from the crushing fear of being associated with something that’s imperfect, letting myself and the world down with an inferior product from my own hands.

This protection instinct stops most perfectionists before they even start.

This is the reason I have lots of unfinished objects, ebooks, projects, and things laying around my studio and hard drive. This is the reason why lots of my projects have a tremendous start but a non-existant finish. And this is the reason why it takes me so long to do anything.

But I hold this site, these posts, my new business and my other endeavors and accomplishments as proof that my perfectionist is firmly under control.

Most of the time.

I’ve realized “Good Enough” is truly good enough, and I don’t have to be or do perfect. Ever. Although continuous improvement is just fine. I let her do that, too.

And I realized that my perfectionist was only trying to save me from embarrassment, failure, and ridicule.

So I let myself fail. I felt miserable the entire time, but I’m still alive.

The world hasn’t gone up in flames… yet.

I let myself be “good enough.” And my perfectionist is getting used to it (although I let her out to tweak & fuss with stuff like bookbinding stitches and spelling).

Are you a struggling perfectionist? Can you do just one thing ?

Fail at something.

Anything.

If you’re not sure what to fail at, how about painting a portrait if you’ve never painted. Start a novel and stop after the first page. Write a horrible blog post that doesn’t make any sense with some grammatical and spelling errors sprinkled around and hit the publish button. Take some awful out-of-focus photographs. Record yourself singing a song that’s way out of your range.

It’ll be scary, I know. But recognize your feelings, and see what happens afterwards.

I promise the world will keep on spinning…

And you who have quenched the awfulness of your own perfectionist tendencies. What changed? How do you keep perfectionism from stopping you?

I’d love to hear from you! Please leave a comment below.

Photo Credit: Spekulator from sxc.hu (http://www.sxc.hu/profile/spekulator)

© Alexia for Alexia Petrakos, 2010. | Permalink | 3 comments | Leave a comment here → | Add to del.icio.us
Post tags: perfectionism, perfectionst

I was visiting my family most of the past week and I’m glad to say I came out alive & unscathed.

Greeks are a bit demanding & demonstrative, as well as argumentative and acutely aggravating at times (I’m Greek so I can say stuff like that). And my family is no different.

Although I missed my cousins & aunt & uncle, things were a LOT more laid back than usual with just the six instead of 14 of us.

It’s truly an awesome sight/sound when my whole family gets together. Not a quiet moment, lots of debate for debate’s sake, lots of yelling just to be heard and not a lot of rest. But it’s fun. Never dull, and plenty of  hugs & cigarette smoke to go around (and migraines… but I put up with it only for them).

Now I’m trying to catch up with the hundreds of emails & blog posts in my feed reader. I’m probably going to cop out & click “Mark all as read” just to maintain a bit of sanity.

Things like that aren’t really important, and I realized that if I don’t read all those items in Google reader & Gmail, it really doesn’t make much of a difference.

If I miss something cool, it’ll probably pop up later, or someone I trust will re-tweet or re-post it.

What’s important to me now is to get back into the swing of things with as little stress as possible. And I think it’s working.

© Alexia for Alexia Petrakos, 2009. | Permalink | No comment | Leave a comment here → | Add to del.icio.us
Post tags: family, greek, vacation