However, right now I’m feeling seriously left out from the cool kids group.

Right now, a number of folks in my insular, incestuous Twitter circle (something I’ve been working on how to fix, and which I know contributes to this problem), are participating one of several BIG THINGS that I wanted to do at some point in the past few weeks.

All of them are having AMAZING! insights and forging WONDERFUL! new relationships and creating new bonds and speaking in a language that’s sorta recognizable but not really. And they haven’t yet reached the real meat of their courses/classes/in-person thingies.

Right now those cool kids have been able to dig up money that I’m allocating for something else that’s happening almost 9 months from now. But they’re doing AWESOME! stuff right now and I’m watching with my nose pressed up the twitter glass.

I can’t begrudge them their enthusiasm.

I’m sure I’d be singing in their chorus if I were there.

But I’m not.

And I feel like I’m in high school again.

And I know it’s all my stuff.

It definitely doesn’t help that I launched my thing at the same time they launched their significantly higher priced things and I feel like an ant waving my tiny little flag for attention over there in the corner while there’s fanfare and hoopla all around me that’s thousands of times my size.

I know it’s all my stuff.

Even though I’ve made the decision to save up for something I think will do me and my business the best good, I’m still an impatient 5 year old than wants all the fun stuff now.

Yep. Most definitely my stuff.

I could name names and point fingers and act like the victim, but that diminishes the amazingness of everyone else around me and makes me look like a fool.

So I relax, breathe deep, and remember why I made the decision to pass on all the other awesomes in the first place.

I’m waiting for something bigger.

I’m waiting for something that will be the best for me.

And I breathe deep once more, fight back the tears from all the memories of being an outcast in school, remember I’m not there anymore, and realize that I’m aiming for something big. Something that only I can create. And this requires that I hold off for now, learn how to delay my gratification, learn to trust my instincts and go forward with this plan of mine.

And I think my own thing will be better for it.

Some of the folks offering solidarity during this time of frenzied launches:

• Fabeku: Concussion Grenade Marketing (warning: video & some language)
• Bridget: her series on the aspirational market  - A Piece of Shit Plus Velocity, or, The Aspirational Market; The Hot Frog and the Avalanche, Or, How Hucksters Get You to Buy; Putting a Ring on It. (warning: some suggestive content)
• Ilana: How to feel happy when you’re broke and hopeless (warning: language)

As you can see this kind of thing stirs up all sorts of strong emotions couched in strong language…

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The skin went in to the actual onion, about three layers deep.

“Freaky Onion,” I muttered.

“Sounds like a band name…” Said hubs.

I started chopping and said “Freakin’ Onion” because they were wreaking havoc on my  eyes.

Hubs said “That’s it! The Freakin’ Onions!”

As I continued chopping, some fell on the floor.

“Crap! I’m losing half my freakin’ onion!”

Hubs asked “Is the band breaking up?”

“Yes. The drummer and bass player eloped and never came back. I heard they formed a new band in Vegas called the Wild Onions.”

Continuing chopping…

“My eyes are burnin’. That’s the title track”

“Tears are streamin’ down my face. The hit single.”

“Chop ‘em right or Gordon Ramsey’s gonna have a coronary. That’s the B-side.”

“I’m here all week….”

Hubs is oddly silent.

“I thought I was funny… did I take it too far?”

Hubs: “Yep.”

“You started it!”

Hubs: “Yep.”

Thus ends my stint as a kitchen comedian…

Anywho, I have a leetle announcement to make. I am a guest lecturer for Catherine Caine’s Awesome Website Extravaganza (AWE for short)! I think my module goes live in October, but you can sign up for the whole shebang using my handy-dandy affiliate link. Yep. You sign up, you create a rockin’ website, and you help me too! Sweet eh?

Have a loverly weekend you awesome person you!
photo credit: Danielle Scott

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No, not to cover up the grey, although I have a few strands plus a patch on the back of my head. It’s small enough, thankfully, to be covered up by the rest of my hair. It’s a family trait apparently. Before my dad went mostly grey, I could pick him out in a crowd by the white patch on the back of his head.

I digress…

I dyed a streak of hair at the front of my head purple this past Saturday night. Ultraviolet to be exact.

Here’s proof:

Yeah... No longer 20. The bags prove it.

My husband (then boyfriend) introduced me to dyeing my hair unnatural colors in the late 90s. So why did I decide to do this again in my 30′s?

I don’t have a “real job” that pressures me to look a certain way, so that gives me a lot of leeway.

But I didn’t do it just for kicks.

I dyed my hair because it feels more “me”

I’ve been feeling a bit lost and out of sorts and slightly bored lately and needed something to remind me of who I am. Something I can see daily to ground myself. A reflection of the independent, slightly eccentric, creative person I am. Not to mention I keep seeing older women with my hair cut and I get a bit edgy when I feel I’m looking too much like everyone else.

And it’s way less painful than a tattoo. Although I’m thinking of getting one of those, too.

Which got me thinking about staying grounded and remembering who you are… and then I remembered I actually wrote about this and won something cool because of it.

And then I though about why I haven’t written anything about it since.

Dude, it’s scary.

I cried when I wrote that. I cried when I read it again.

I don’t think I’ve ever cried writing something before.

And I know that means something big. And it freaks me out.

Not quite sure yet what the something big is, but I think I’ll keep writing about it to find out.

So until then…

What keeps you connected with who you are?

I’d love it if you left a comment. Thanks

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This week’s near-breakdown is brought to you by the “OMGthisisreallyhappeningwhathaveigottenmyselfinto” brand of Fear.

I took a pretty big leap this week with my new venture. Both thanks to my coach and my lovely new accountability group.

In the span of 5 days I went from having a vague idea of what it would look like to an almost fully-fleshed out vision and two venues to share my ideas with the world.

Or at least my corner of the great state of Georgia.

For now…(...)
Read the rest of Of Fear, Toads & Fountain pens (372 words)