© photo credit: wildxplorer

After watching Charlie Gilkey’s video blog on two reasons why structure gives people the hives, I gave it much thought. Structure has a history of giving me the hives and my last attempt at instituting such a thing (the structure, not the hives) failed miserably. And I think this is why…

Twitter version: Irrational fear of Rules & Structure requires reframing. Structure = Support Systems. Yay. I can do that.

Tales of a high-strung kid.

As a kid I was the one who would always follow rules. If there were none, I’d make them up. I held myself to such a high standard that even the slightest slip-up would make me break down into a fit of tears.

Since my parents were disappointed when I didn’t perform perfectly & measure up, I was furious and beat myself up for failing so miserably if I got anything less than perfect. More is better, right?

So fast-forward to college…

Still very much forming my own identity, yet still very much my parent’s daughter, but no one was breathing down my neck for the first time, ever. No one cared if I went to class, no one was particularly bothered about my grades, and my parents really didn’t have to know if I didn’t do too well on an assignment, although final grades were a point of contention at times.

By the end of college, I learned to deal with less-than-perfect and even abject failure, and I’m still breathing. But I learned a valuable lesson: I should never try to take on serious thinky-classes at 8am, especially computer programming.

Yes all this does have a point.

Rules. Structure. No sir, I don’t like it.

I loved them as a kid and now I don’t.

My years working for other people showed me how against my nature it is to pursue someone else’s goals.

Working for a company made me anonymous, stifled, and shoved me into a box that someone else made. My autonomy was stripped, I was told what to do and when and how long and tethered to a desk even though I was done with my work and then expected to go ask for more work. (I know not everyone feels this way about their jobs.)

So I quit being an employee.

My days are mine to do what I wish. No one to answer to, but the bill collectors.

However, things aren’t exactly going the way I thought they would…

I know my years working in the corporate world really soured me on structure. Other-imposed structure is a bitch.

I  know in my head that if I impose structure on my days, I’m not relinquishing my autonomy. But the teenager in me says “Yeah, right” while rolling her eyes.

I know that if I work at finding the right system for me, for how I work, that allows for my need to learn, do, create, think, read, and all the other stuff that fulfills me, I won’t be removing any ounce of my autonomy. Instead of flitting from one thing to the next as my whims take me (or not), I’ll actually get things done.

But there’s a monster in my head that makes me run away screaming from structure because I don’t want to lose myself in the structure.

Yep. Scared of losing myself.

© photo credit: x-ray delta one

This is a recurring theme and the reason why I will probably never work for anyone else again.

I’ve worked hard on extricating my self from the mounds of expectations and ideals and perfectionisms and all that stuff that I’m really wary of stepping back into structure. It’s a smidgen irrational, but fears usually are.

Now I’ve identified my fear, and I realize that in order for me to fully realize who I am and what I can do, I need to find some kind of system, however it looks, to support me. It won’t stifle me and won’t make me a mindless automaton because really, I don’t think anything can actually do that short of mind-zapping aliens…

A bit of reframing…

Rules: Eh. I can take ‘em or leave ‘em.

Structure: Sorta warming up to that word but not quite.

Support Systems: Most definitely. I like support. I know I need it. So this is what I’m going to call the structure in place that helps me do the stuff that I want to do.

I think this will work. Support systems instead of structure or rules or methods or anything else that sounds too much like giving up my self.

I know I’m not the only one who bristles at rules and structure. If you’re one of them, how do you deal? How do you handle the necessity for some sort of system with your independence/individuality/autonomy?